Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I want a Maybe.......

As I read my friend Hot Toddy’s post, I find myself feeling jealous. Jealous that “maybe” has found him. “Maybe” has been such a distant cry that I haven’t been able to pinpoint from where it came. I have gotten close only to be pulled away. Pulled toward fires burning so hot, I had no choice but to try and put them out.

My life has been such a turn of events the last couple of years that I’ve often wondered how I’ve come to end up in this place. I am but a Pawn in destiny’s game.

I have lived my life knowing that I am right where I am supposed to be. Some call it (as have I) flying by the seat of my pants. My sister, Skinny Girl, knew in high school that she wanted a good job, a husband, a child, a house. Her goals were clear and she has obtained exactly that. She’s been with the same man for 20+ years. Her daughter is phenomenal and should be a model. Her house is perfectly kept. As for the husband part, I guess it isn’t any different than any other couple that’s been together for that long – there’s good and bad. Overall, she’s pretty satisfied.

Me, on the other hand… I have always marched to the beat of a different drum. I studied dance for 10 years. Ballet, Pointe, jazz, modern, etc. The last few years I danced (studied, taught or rehearsed) almost eight hours a day. It was my passion and I was very good at it. To this day, I still regret giving it up. That’s a story for another blog someday.

My point is, I went against all that was expected in my family. I wasn’t sure where I was going to land by being a dancer nor did it matter because I would be doing something I loved.

I have always been fearless. I don’t get stressed out if I get lost looking for a location or address – I know I will always find my way. I don’t fear or avoid confrontation. In fact, I much prefer being direct with someone compared to the alternative. I have come to expect the same from those with whom I speak.

I’ve never worried about whether I would get “the job” or “the house” because I’ve always believed that if it’s meant to be, it will work out. I have my own motto - “Patience and Faith.” It has saved me more times than I can count. I have the word Faith tattooed on the inside of my right forearm. It’s centered between the zodiac symbols for Aries and Pisces, respectively.

With the last couple of years I’ve had, I find my Patience and Faith to be a thin veil instead of the rock wall it usually is. I firmly believe the only reason I haven’t melted into a puddle on the floor is because I am the strong woman I am. I know you don’t spend a lifetime as a confident, strong-minded woman only to release those values at the first sign of adversity.

But seriously…

In the last two years I have:

Sold my first house in Portland that I lived in with my daughter and bought and/or sold two others that tied in with relationships. Don’t ever do this. It’s a mistake. A big fucking mistake.

Relationships…there’s another trick pony (No not you, Pony). It would seem my partner-picker is broken. I have ended two relationships in the last two years. The one with GG lasted three years. The other, more recent relationship with Daddy D was “the one.” Or so I thought. I often wonder if my broken heart will ever heal (though I am closer now than I have been).

My Mom died in August of 2003. Alzheimer’s is the ugliest disease EVER.

My brother, Jim, just died January 9th. He was on the liver transplant list but his kidneys began to fail and that was it. I was by his side with his wife and my brother Bobby. I watched him softly release his last breath never to take another again. No more pain, no more tests, no more doctors.

The human side of me weeps with sadness because he was one of my favorites and I’ll never hear his sweet voice call me “Sis” again. He loved me unconditionally and often spoke of how proud he was that I did, indeed, march to the beat of a different drum. He said it made me special. The spiritual me is grateful he’s moved beyond this. I will miss him so much.

My finances have fluctuated in waves of highs and lows because of all of the house buying and selling and the relationships. The lows suck. I am currently in a low.

At times I can’t figure out which way is up. Just when I think that “maybe” it’s my turn, something else happens. I know the Gods and Goddesses don’t give you more than you can handle but holy shit, I was strong enough before. Can it be someone else’s turn now?

When my relationship with GG ended I thought “maybe” the next one would be the one. “Maybe” next time I would be lucky in love.

Then Daddy D broke my heart.

Each time I bought and sold a house I thought “maybe” this is the house I’ll watch my daughter grow up in. Goddess knows Auburn Aries is tired of moving.

When my Mom died ten years after my Dad, and eight years after my brother Willie, I thought “maybe” that would be it for a while, then Jimmy died.

I’ve thought about selling the house I am currently in to separate myself from the connection I have with Daddy D because of it, but can’t afford to move right now. I ran an ad for a roommate and think I’ve found just the right one. “Maybe” this will work out okay. Sell it…keep it…sell it…keep it…For the love of Betsy, just find an answer, Aub.

I find myself holding back optimism and not allowing myself to breath simply because I don’t want to let my guard down. The last couple of years, my life has been fraught with difficulties. I’ve gotten through all of this so far (with plenty of tears and talks with close friends) and if I melt into that puddle now, someone is going to have to get a towel to mop me up.

Everyone deserves “maybe.” Everyone deserves to be excited about new adventures, new people, new lovers. For each door that closes, another opens. I just hope I don’t spend so much time looking at the doors behind me that I miss what could be my “maybe.”

This is just where I am today. I’m sure I will be fine. I always am. I'm a Dago girl. Strong is my middle name.

I know one thing is certain. When my “maybe” comes…I’ll be shouting it from the courthouse steps hoping to draw a crowd!

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